Beyond People-Pleasing: Healing the Pattern of Self-Abandonment

We often think of abandonment as something that happens to us. A wound left by someone else. But one of the most common forms of abandonment is self-directed: the quiet, gradual act of turning away from ourselves in the name of love, belonging, or peace.

Many of us have learned that being “easy,” “accommodating,” or “selfless” is what makes us lovable. Yet somewhere between compromise and compliance, we begin to disappear. This disappearance doesn’t happen overnight; it’s subtle, socially rewarded, and deeply human. But healing begins when we notice it.

What Self-Abandonment Really Looks Like

Self-abandonment happens when we chronically ignore or minimize our own needs, emotions, or boundaries to maintain connection or avoid conflict. It might look like saying yes when we want to say no, keeping quiet when something feels wrong, or over-functioning in relationships while neglecting our own rest.

According to psychologist Dr. Margaret Paul, self-abandonment often starts in childhood. When our environment teaches us that love or approval must be earned, or that expressing needs leads to withdrawal or punishment, we learn to silence parts of ourselves for safety. Over time, this becomes a reflex.

In adulthood, these early lessons can show up as over-giving, people-pleasing, perfectionism, or emotional over-responsibility in relationships. While these patterns can look like kindness, they’re often rooted in fear: the fear of rejection, disapproval, or loss.

The Psychology Behind the Pattern

Psychologically, self-abandonment is a coping mechanism designed to preserve attachment. Dr. Gabor Maté, a leading expert in trauma and emotional health, writes that when forced to choose between authenticity and attachment, children almost always choose attachment,  because belonging is survival. As adults, this same adaptation can keep us trapped in relationships or dynamics where our needs remain invisible.

Attachment theory also sheds light on this cycle. People with anxious attachment often self-abandon by over-accommodating, hoping to earn closeness. Those with avoidant attachment may self-abandon through emotional withdrawal, suppressing vulnerability to maintain control. Both are protective strategies, but both come at the expense of authentic self-expression.

Society reinforces this, particularly for women, caregivers, and empaths. We are praised for self-sacrifice, for being everything to everyone, and rarely taught that tending to ourselves is an act of love, not neglect.

How Self-Abandonment Shows Up

Self-abandonment can be hard to recognize because it hides under the appearance of strength or generosity. But over time, it reveals itself through subtle symptoms:

• Feeling chronically tired or resentful, even when life seems “fine.”

• Losing touch with what we genuinely enjoy.

• Feeling guilt or anxiety when prioritizing our own needs.

• Confusing peace with the absence of conflict rather than the presence of truth.
  

  In therapy, this often surfaces as a kind of numbness — a sense that you’re moving through life on autopilot. When you’ve spent years being who others need you to be, reconnecting with who you are can feel both liberating and disorienting.

Reclaiming Yourself: Small Steps Toward Wholeness

Healing from self-abandonment isn’t about swinging to the opposite extreme or building walls. It’s about remembering that your needs matter as much as anyone else’s, and learning to hold them with compassion rather than shame.

Here’s what that healing can look like:

1. Rebuild Inner Safety

Before you can express your truth outwardly, you must feel safe enough to face it inwardly. Practices like mindfulness, breathwork, and journaling can help you tune back into what you feel — not what you should feel. Somatic therapists note that grounding in the body helps regulate the nervous system, making it easier to tolerate difficult emotions rather than avoid them.

2. Redefine Boundaries as Connection

Boundaries aren’t walls — they’re clarity. When expressed calmly and consistently, they create safety in relationships by letting others know how to love you well. Research in relationship psychology shows that couples with clear boundaries experience higher levels of mutual respect and lower levels of resentment.

A boundary isn’t about control; it’s about honesty.

3. Practice Micro-Acts of Self-Loyalty

You don’t have to overhaul your life overnight. Start small: pause before saying yes. Notice what you need before tending to someone else. Take up space in conversations. These daily gestures teach your nervous system that it’s safe to belong to yourself again.

4. Seek Reflective Support

Therapy provides a mirror — a place to reconnect with your needs without judgment. A skilled therapist can help you unpack where self-abandonment began, recognize it in real time, and build emotional resilience for change.

The bottom line is that learning to stay loyal to yourself, even when it’s uncomfortable, is one of the deepest forms of healing. It’s how you begin to rewrite the story that love requires self-erasure.

Coming home to yourself isn’t selfish. It’s sacred. It’s the space where authenticity replaces approval, where honesty replaces harmony, and where connection becomes possible without the cost of losing yourself.

If you’re ready to begin that process, start small. Ask yourself: Where in my life am I still quieting my own voice for connection?
And then, gently — begin to listen.